For years I was crippled by perfectionism. I am so glad to be free of that bondage! It started when I was little. I was a great student in school and loved getting approval and attention. Getting good grades in school always got the approval of my parents and teachers. I didn’t care that I was considered the teachers’ pet. I didn’t care that my friends were not in the advanced classes with me. Now, here is the thing; the school system wasn’t challenging me. They were not encouraging me to challenge myself. I was at the top of the low expectations they were setting for us kids! In fact, I went from first grade through high school with all A’s.

When I went to my guidance counselor for advice my junior year, she told me the schools I was considering would be too hard to get in. She told me to think about a list of schools she recommended, which were all subpar to what I had in mind. Her name was Ms. Weiss, I think. I don’t think she knew any better. Imagine what her self esteem was as a guidance counselor giving me, the straight A student this advice. Imagine what she was telling the other kids! I can only imagine that she had her own prejudices whether she realized it or not. I was so offended but sadly, a part of me believed her.

Nevertheless, I ended up getting accepted to one of the schools she recommended I didn’t apply for. I even skipped my senior year in high school and went straight to college. All this ease set me up real good to avoid anything I might fail.

College kicked my butt. For the first time I had to apply myself. I was crumpling under the pressure too. I had no discipline, no study habits, and no little skill to deal with academic adversity. It was a big school so no was pulling me aside to say look young lady,” get your crap together.”

I managed to get by. I was smart enough to get a decent education and a good job when I graduated. I was jealous of Laurie for being my age and getting the manager position I wanted. Looking back now, I was not prepared to manage anyone at 21. Don’t get me wrong, I was good enough. I got to work on time, but I wasn’t doing the extra. No one told me either. I don’t know, maybe they thought I knew. Maybe they didn’t know. I certainly acted like I had it together. Maybe they wanted to see me fail. Who knows.

Four years after graduating college I got the successful guy. We were married, had nice cars, and bought a house, the whole deal.  I brought all my fears of failing with me. Everything had to be perfect or at least look perfect. I had so many insecurities. I always thought I deserved more than I had. I constantly complained and fussed at myself in my mind. I called myself names. My thoughts to myself were verbally abusive. I was never, ever good enough.

Soon I was projecting my perfectionism on my husband. He wasn’t good enough. I began to focus on everything that was wrong with him. Just little nagging comments I’m sure. The kids came along and I had a good life but I had laundry and cooking and vacuuming, and groceries, and homework, and… and…

One morning I was fussing at the kids to get ready for school. It was 6:00 AM. My husband was still in bed. The children were running late. Backpacks were not where they should be, beds were not made, and no one was at the kitchen table for breakfast. I am yelling and WHAM! It hit me! YOU ARE GETTING ON YOUR OWN NERVES!! STOP IT!! JUST STOP IT!!
I had a moment of clarity. I was embarrassed my husband heard me act like this EVERY morning. I was sad my children were leaving the house feeling stressed. I was the Christian wife who was in church EVERY Sunday with my children wondering when my husband was going to join us. Ha Ha! I was a trip!!

That was it though! No more! I would have peace in my home! I would not have my children growing up stressed out leaving the house in the morning. We would pray in the morning and have conversations and laughter. No one would leave the house mad. I was going to be the example I wanted my children to have as a mom. Things were going to change and the change would start with me! For the first time, I said to myself in my mind, “Shhh. It’s ok baby. You’re going to be just fine. Be nice.”